5 Speaking Habits That Make You Confusing
Research suggests that 40% to 50% of our daily actions are habitual.
“You think you're making decisions all day, but more than 40% of the actions you take each day are actually habits”
- Charles Duhigg
This means we are on auto-pilot for half of our actions.
Here are a few examples;
Brushing your teeth.
Driving or riding your bike.
Checking your phone or doom-scrolling.
Asking people "How are you?" after you greet them.
Humans develop habits (unconscious and automatic actions) so we can reserve and dedicate cognitive energy to other demanding tasks, such as leading a team meeting, writing an essay, or studying for the next exam.
Habits as we are speaking
In our first language, we don't need to think too hard about the words we want to use; we don't often pay too much attention to how we say things, which helps us save A LOT of energy.
If you've ever learnt a second language, you'll realize how much more energy and focus is required to compose a sentence.
So yes, allowing our habits to dictate our speaking, presentations, and conversations is good and all; yes, it saves us energy for other intensive tasks.
However…
Most people inherently lack effective speaking skills or actions they can rely on in the first place.
It isn't even our fault, either.
When was the last time you took a class on "How to speak with clarity?" It's funny how we're expected to know the most critical skills in life (speaking, learning, teaching, listening) without being taught how to do them.
In this week's blog, we'll go through 5 speaking habits that are making you more confusing. Since these are habits, you probably aren't aware of them either.
Five speaking habits that make you confusing
I've noticed five bad habits most of us engage in when speaking. These behaviours reduce our ability to impact, influence, motivate, and connect with others.
The "umms" and "uhhs" habit.
The one-key piano habit.
The brick-wall habit.
The boring-guy habit.
The air dancer habit.
After I've removed all of these habits in my speaking and replaced them with better habits, my presentations have skyrocketed. My students constantly tell me how much my energy has increased, allowing me to empower further and impact my students.
We'll discuss each habit, its characteristics, why most people have them, and what you can do to eliminate the bad habit and replace it with a better one.
1.) The "umms" and "uhhs" habit.
I don't need to explain this one.
There's this habit that 95% of speakers I've come across have. The "umms" and "uhhs" habit.
When we are speaking, we fill our sentences with these noises that don't add any value to what we're saying. Umms and uhhs significantly nerf and reduce the impact of your message.
I want you to read it for yourself;
Sentence 1: "Hey uhh…, my name is James. I uhh… work as a consultant in a uhhh… technology company that assists uhhh… teachers and umm… students. Uh…..so basically, I got started in uhhh in 2023"
Sentence 2: "Hey, my name is James. I work as a consultant in a technology company that assists teachers and students. So basically, I got started in 2023."
These are the same sentences. All I've done is remove the filler words. You can see how much more clear the transcription of this looks. You don't even need to read it out loud. It's less cluttered, sharper and straight to the point.
Filler words cloud your sentences with unnecessary clutter. All of this clutter gets in the way of your main message and confuses your listeners.
By removing my filler words, I never have an "uhh" or "umm" moment. If I do, it is less than 1% of the time, OR I use it strategically. We'll discuss strategically using "uhh" and "umm" in another blog post.
Here's an app that I use to record my feedback to my students: Loom. It comprehensively breaks down each video transcription and calculates the percentage of filler words in my communication.
Here are my results for April, May and June.
Start cutting down on your filler words, becoming aware of what they are, and pausing more when you speak. Most of us have a fear of silence, where we feel like any point of silence needs to be filled in with a word or some conversation. When our brain fails to think about a word, we often use sounds to fill in the silence, which then results in an "umm" or an "uhh."
Replace your "ummms" and "uhhhs" habit with a habit of pausing.
2.) The one-key piano habit.
An analogy many vocal coaches like to use is to think of your voice as a piano.
There are 88 keys on a standard piano, which produce different tones across several octaves. However, there are people out there only playing 1 or 2 keys out of the 88 they have.
Monotonous or energy vampires.
Only using a few tones and pitches makes it hard for your listeners to know what's important and what isn't. Most of us have this habit because we've become so comfortable with playing a few keys. Very rarely do we ever experiment with different tones, pitches and keys.
Stop playing one key; learn to play many.
What I do with my students is read children's story books with them. I make them vary their pitch, starting off very low and the moving onto a higher pitch. It is a very nerve-wracking experience when you first start. It feels cringey, uncomfortable and heart-wrenching. During the session, I noticed my students did not want to go higher in their pitch, but we pushed through, broke the barrier of embarrassment, and went into different pitches.
Practising speaking at different pitches strengthens your vocal cords. It also allows you to translate this into conversations and be more dynamic.
You'll know when to increase volume or pitch to emphasize and establish authority and when to decrease pitch and volume to speak more like a friend and establish rapport.
3.) The brick-wall habit.
Speaking is not a one-way street.
When you're having conversations, you are speaking to another person. A conversation takes two.
I remember getting into deep discussions and conversations with a friend while driving. I let him spend at least 30 minutes talking about his perspective as I listened intently and asked him questions about specifics.
Not even 3 minutes into talking about my perspective, my friend's mind was all over the place:
"Look at that big car!"
"Hey, sorry, I'm a bit hungry now."
"Uh…what did you say about that guy again?"
By this point, I knew it wasn't my issue. I had many other conversations in which my friends, students, or even strangers were able to listen along and enjoy themselves. I knew that my expression and storytelling had gotten better.
In this age of short-form media, fried attention spans, and instant gratification, we've lost our ability to do one of the most critical skills necessary to any success as a human;
Listening.
Listening has always been one of the most valuable skills one could have. Therapy, connection, building rapport, building valuable relationships, and trust all depend on great listening skills.
It's surprising to see how listening skills have gone out the window these past few years.
Not being able to listen during a conversation means you don't know what anyone else is telling you. It prevents you from asking relevant follow-up questions and engaging in the discussion more deeply.
I call this the brick-wall habit. Speaking to others who have poor listening skills is often like talking to a wall, an inanimate object that has no mind for itself.
Getting better at listening means retraining your mind to focus better during conversations. Practice this by yourself by watching lectures and taking notes on the lectures without rewinding. Then, practice this with your friends by taking notes and retraining yourself to pay more attention to conversations. Then, transition into listening without taking any notes and start to create mental anchors to focus on certain parts of the conversation.
For my first few consultations with my students, I always took notes on sticky notes I had around my desk. Eventually, I didn't need to crutch on notes anymore and was able to have more dynamic conversations with no notes necessary.
4.) The boring-guy habit.
Poor listening then results in poor responses.
You'll ask shallow questions or bring the conversation back to what you want it to be about. This makes people dull. I call this the boring-guy habit: the inability to listen or add value to the conversation.
The boring-guy habit results from;
Poor listening skills
Asking no questions
Asking low-quality questions
Asking no questions is a red flag. It usually indicates someone who is close-minded or not genuinely interested in progressing the conversation.
Low-quality questions are questions that do not add value to the conversation or allow it to progress. They are irrelevant to the discussion.
Asking no questions:
Sarah: "I've been thinking about ways to enhance our team's workflow. Perhaps we can start by adjusting our project management tools to better track our deadlines and responsibilities."
John: "Yeah, that's a good idea, but I think we're fine for now."
In this scenario, John has closed off the conversation and has blocked Sarah from expanding. Asking no questions or just closing off makes you very hard to work with or get any collaboration going. It also makes it confusing as to whether or not you are a team player or
Asking low-quality questions:
Sarah: "I've been thinking about ways to enhance our team's workflow. Perhaps we can start by adjusting our project management tools to better track our deadlines and responsibilities."
John: "But that will take too much time, don't you think?"
In this scenario, the question of time is not relevant. If Sarah is bringing up concerns about team workflow, this might reveal bigger problems in customer success, team efficiency and operations. All of these may have trickling effects on cash flow and the business' status. As a result, listening to Sarah, understanding where she is coming from, asking her the relevant questions and getting her input will be the way to go.
Instead….
Respond with a meaningful perspective or question. You can simply re-instate what they've said or prompt them to continue with their conversation.
Re-instating what they've said:
Sarah: "I've been thinking about ways to enhance our team's workflow. Perhaps we can start by adjusting our project management tools to better track our deadlines and responsibilities."
John: "Hmm, that's interesting. It seems like you're trying to make the team more efficient by considering the software and apps we're using in the first place. Does that sound right?"
Asking questions to prompt them:
Sarah: "I've been thinking about ways to enhance our team's workflow. Perhaps we can start by adjusting our project management tools to better track our deadlines and responsibilities."
John: "Hmm, that's interesting. Could you tell me more about the problems you've been finding regarding the team's workflow so far?"
These show that you listen to the other person and are interested in what they say.
Good speaking comes from good listening.
5.) The air dancer habit.
Have you seen these guys?
These guys are called air dancers. Car dealerships and stores place these to attract attention. It's not a bad strategy because it does the job!
Imagine cruising along and seeing this 15-foot-long inflatable dancing thing.
Lots of attention.
What if I told you that we all have an air-dancer in us?
We all draw attention, but most of the time, it's the wrong attention. Imagine speaking to someone but making awkward movements as you speak. We do this all the time during our conversations.
Using too many gestures that are repetitive
Hands in the pockets
Leaning on one foot
Hands by the side
Crossed arms
If you aren't using hand gestures correctly, if your posture is off, or if you are doing something awkward that takes away from your message, it will be harder to understand what you are trying to say, which will make you more confusing.
Instead, be more expressive with your body language to match the message you want to deliver.
Pick any of your favourite speakers (Simon Sinek, Tony Robbins, Gary Vee) and mimic their body language. Practice speaking as they would, especially their movements. Make this more of a habit while you are speaking so your body language complements your message.
What's next?
Our habits are a direct result of our environment and years of conditioning.
Breaking habits is not an overnight change. It is a process that requires commitment over weeks, months, and years.
The "umms" and "uhhs" habit. → Replace with more pausing and spacing.
The one-key piano habit. → Replace with more variety and deliberate emphasis.
The brick-wall habit. → Replace with better listening skills.
The boring-guy habit. → Replace with the ability to ask high-quality questions.
The air dancer habit. → Replace with more deliberate use of body language.
It took me six months to get from 30% filler words to 20% filler words.
It took me another two months to get from 20% to less than 2%.
That means when you first start, it'll take some time.
These improvements then compound and create rapid change only after you've invested time.
Again, these are skills that won't be taught to you by school or be handed to you on a golden platter. You need to take the time to develop skills such as speaking in your own time. It's the practice that you do behind the scenes that gives you the advantage over others.
See you all next week.
— Tanzeer
