Becoming Less Boring (How to Turn Conversations Into Opportunities)

Scariest moment of my life:

The first time I had to speak in front of the class, in Grade 4.

And for those of you wondering, this is what I looked like in Grade 4.

We were doing reading practice in class. My teacher had us stand in front of the class and read out loud from the book we were reading.

Some of the boys and girls in my class did this effortlessly, with the teacher praising them after their attempts.

It was my turn. My mind was whizzing, my voice was trembling, and after three minutes of reading, I was happy it was finally over.

I was awaiting my teacher's praise -

But my teacher looks at me and tells me:

"Tanzeer, you need to sound less boring and less soul-sucking."

My teacher called me boring in front of the whole class.

It felt like 100 punches to the gut.

And I remember walking home that day, feeling defeated. I started to reflect and think to myself that my teacher was right. I am boring and soul-sucking, which explains why I find it so hard to make friends and fit in.

It didn't help that my experiences in high school amplified this identity of me being boring.

When I was speaking, people wouldn't pay attention
It was hard to motivate and influence others
I felt like I didn't fit in the crowd

All hope was lost with becoming more interesting. I would accept that this was who I was, that I was uninteresting, and that I could do nothing about it.

Even after seven years, my Grade 4 teacher was right.

Almost giving up on making friends

In high school, I decided to spend time alone during breaks and play video games so that time would fly.

I would sneak into empty classes during break time to play on my MacBook Air.

One day, I locked myself in one of the classrooms and started playing.

I had my neon-green gaming earphones in, and I was in the classic gamer posture, hunched over. I kept looking back to see if any teachers would walk into the room so I could switch my tab and pretend I was doing work.

The coast was clear; I was ready to start gaming.

But then 30 seconds later…I had felt a tap on my shoulder.

I died inside.

It was my IT teacher.

I was ready to get suspended or expelled.

But what my IT teacher said to me was NOT what I expected.

"Tanzeer..are you joining us for today's gaming club session?"

”Uhhh….yes I am sir..”

To my surprise:

a.) There was a gaming club

b.) My IT teacher was hosting this club

c.) A few of my classmates who I knew were also at this club

So I decided to join them for one of the sessions, and as I was gaming, what I didn't notice was:

I started showing interest in other people.
I was able to make others laugh and have a good time
My conversational ability was more robust and free-flowing.

I finally felt like myself after being at this school for six months

By the end of the session, I remembered that my classmates had seen a version of me they had never seen before.

We had bonded over the games we were playing and our interests.

It finally felt as if I was interested.

I realised that I didn't have to be boring.

I didn't have to hold onto this identity of being someone boring.

It was through this profound epiphany did I start to realise:

I can connect and make new friends and connections.
I can gain new opportunities through this process.
I could chase my dreams and wildest goals.

If you told me back in primary school that I would go on to becoming a speaker, coach, educator, leader, mentor or anything of the sorts, I wouldn’t have believed you.

Shifting the blame; “Their fault” to “My fault”

I believed I wasn't the problem.

I thought it was other people's problem, and they didn't like me.

I believed others were selfish; they didn't want to be friends with me.

It was their fault for:

Not playing with me during recess.
Not wanting to hang out after school.
Not paying attention when I was speaking.

My experience in the gaming club taught me otherwise.

I realised that it was my fault:

I wasn't asking people questions.
I needed to give them my time, energy and effort.
I wasn't sharing my passions with other people and potential friends.

Yes, other people should be more accepting of one another, regardless of our personalities and beliefs.

But people are more attracted to those whom they can relate with.

If you make yourself relatable, it will be easy to connect with you.

I always revisit Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.

In Part 2 of the book, Carnegie dives deep into six ways to make people like you:

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
Principle 2: Smile.
Principle 3: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

I wasn't doing any of these.

Let alone principles 4, 5 and 6 are the most important on that list.

Even if others put much effort into connecting with you, it will still be impossible to connect.

It's like a magnet. You will never connect if you repel, no matter how hard you push.

Taking ownership and control

When you start to exercise more agency and ownership over your circumstances, you become more in control.

I took three main steps to become more relatable and make friends.

Make a list of things you are passionate about.
Ask more questions & listen.
Collect stories.

I double down on these three steps before any event, presentation, or workshop. When you present or attend events, you are constantly meeting new people with different experiences and world views. The best balance is always a mix of planned and organic conversation.

You want to avoid becoming so planned that you execute exactly what you say.

You don't want to wing it so much that you forget to connect and relate to them.

1.) Make a list of things you are passionate about.

Relate with others through passion.

People bond over hobbies, missions and goals.

All of these come under the term passion.

In high school, I loved gaming.

I spent at least 2-3 hours a day gaming.

Through an accidental encounter, I became friends with others who also loved gaming.

I decided to become more strategic and discuss similar interests in specific conversations.

In the context of my presentations, I talked about how students struggle to balance life and studies. I know I'mn't the only student who has struggled with this issue. As soon as I talk about common pain points and concerns, I get the attention of everyone in the room.

In networking events, I speak about common goals or interests. I met another attendee at a networking event who was wearing a WHOOP (a device that tracks sleep, exercise metrics, etc.). I hunted him down, showed him my WHOOP, and had a solid 10-minute conversation around the device. This conversation led to a conversation about work, which then led to a new friend.

If you are hyper-aware of what you like and your goals and passions, you can connect with others who share your beliefs.

2.) Ask more questions & listen.

Questions signal to people that you are interested in them.

If you don't ask questions, you hint to the other person, "I don't care about you."

I remember having this belief that asking questions was a form of disrespect. It showed I was talking too much, which was my introversion getting in the way again.

But when I started asking people what character they liked playing, how many hours they had clocked on a game, and what their favourite game was, I realised I was showing interest, which made me interested.

You want to be moderate when asking questions, however.

If you ask too many questions, you can come across as strange, intrusive, and quite annoying. Rather, keep a balance of the conversation. Ask just enough questions, and be sure to speak about your experiences, too.

3.) Collect stories.

I had this friend who would always tell stories.

He would never run out of stories and was a great storyteller.

We were blessed to have him in our car for any camping trip or long car drive. I also noticed that my friend found it super easy to connect with anyone.

As we were driving, he would randomly roll down his window and start a conversation with the next car.

I could never.

I asked him what his secret sauce was, and he said it was simple.

All he did was collect stories on one document.

He had a story bank, where he would collect experiences and stories and put them all in one place. This way, he always had a story for any situation. He's collected about 200 stories and often refers back to his story bank for a laugh or before a networking event.

It might seem inorganic or artificial to do this, but think about it;

What's the alternative to not having a story bank?

The alternative is often to forget these experiences and never re-live or share them through a story.

Having a regular journal and a story bank parallel to your journal lets you keep track of your experiences and encourages you to tell more.

Stories connect people. If I could go back and do one thing to change my communication skills, it would 100% be telling more stories.

What's next?

Last week, I talked about how my first presentation changed my life.

This week, I reflect on the exact things I was able to do as a result of jumping out of my comfort zone.

The steps above helped me develop the confidence to pursue my dreams, goals, and biggest fears.

Make a list of things you are passionate about. Be clear about what you like and what you don't like. There are 8 billion other humans on this planet. I can guarantee you that your list will not be unique. Once you've got this list, find others with similar interests.
Ask more questions and listen. Asking questions shows the other person you are interested in them, and listening shows the other person you care about them. This is the deadly duo you need to develop any meaningful relationship. Refrain from relying on others asking you questions and listening to you first; you'll rely on luck then.
Collect stories. Be strategic in how you reflect and think about life. Share your experiences with others, as stories are the best way to connect with others and prompt them for their thoughts.

These steps have allowed me to connect with people who I have ended up working for or had become potential clients. It’s also allowed me to get access to opportunities that you wouldn’t otherwise have access to.

The ability to converse with people leads to opportunities.

These opportunities have then lead to great health, wealth and lessons learnt.

See you all next week.

-Tanzeer